It is important for all members of the family to recognize that no one’s grief should take complete precedence. Sometimes this happens out of necessity, sometimes avoidance, sometimes expectation, and sometimes all of the above. After a death, some siblings might quickly step in to take care of their younger children and/or their parents because they feel it’s their role or duty. Raise your hand if you’re the sibling who feels like it’s your job to take care of and support the rest of the family. This may be confounded by the fact that some people willingly allow their grief to go unnoticed by themselves or others. In a situation where any or all of these things are true, a grieving sibling may end up feeling as though other people’s grief is more important than their own. It might also be true that support and attention are first given to siblings who are younger or who are perceived to be more fragile. Parents themselves may not be able to effectively attend to their children’s grief and outside family and friends may be hesitant to step in and offer support or suggestions. People simply cannot fathom the out-of-order-ness of a parent having to bury a child, so when this is the case their thoughts and concerns often immediately go to the parent’s grief. This is just a guess, but I suspect a lack of sibling grief resources exists because sibling grief is often overshadowed. It’s also important for people supporting bereaved siblings to keep this in mind so they can help validate and support the griever’s feelings and experiences. It’s important to remember this because misunderstandings can arise amongst family members when people react differently in response to a death. Your parents, siblings, and other family members may grieve in many of the same ways that you do, but in many ways, their grief may differ.
Good, bad, or anywhere in-between, your relationship with your brother or sister was different than anyone else’s and so you’ll experience hurdles, triggers, and hardships that others may not. I could go on, but the important thing is to understand that your feelings are unique and important. …although you’re surrounded by people, you miss the one person who you could truly be yourself with.
…you’re worried others in your family may die. …you’re worried you may die in the same way as your sibling. …there are things you wish you had said, but didn’t …you knew your sibling inside and out and yet you didn’t know about the struggles or hardships that led to their death. Okay, so those things aren’t specific to sibling grief, however, they might be experienced differently by someone grieving a brother or sister. You may be experiencing grief over the death of your sibling if you feel any of the following – shock, numbness, sadness, despair, loneliness, isolation, difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness, irritability, anger, increased or decreased appetite, fatigue or sleeplessness, guilt, regret, depression, anxiety, crying, headaches, weakness, aches, pains, yearning, worry, frustration, detachment, isolation, questioning faith – to name a few. Okay, let’s talk about some of the reasons why the death of a sibling (at any age) is really stinking hard. At the end of the post, we’ll link to a resource page with suggestions for locating support locally and online. This post is long, but the last thing we want to do is create another resource that is overgeneralized and unhelpful. The more voices we have speaking on the subject, the more supported and cared for other grieving siblings will hopefully feel. Whatever you are able to contribute to the conversation in the comments and on social media, please do. Obviously, this is just a post and it doesn’t substitute for dedicated organizations, movements, or other types of support – but it’s a start. One reader even said she dubbed herself th e “forgotten mourner” after finding sibling grief was so often overlooked in the support world. Although some were able to make recommendations, many were quick to point out their struggle to find help and support for their loss. The other day I asked our Facebook community to suggest resources for people who’ve experienced the death of a sibling. Family Dynamics, Grief Articles for Beginners, Grieving a Sibling
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